one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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