She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I checked into jail on foursquare
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we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
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I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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