worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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