Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
