No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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