Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
