And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
