Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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