Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
