remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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