I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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