This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
