Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
