do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
