Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
