you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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