since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
