My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
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I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
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Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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