Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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