What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Randomize
