We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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