if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
