...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
