Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
