I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
