i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
