this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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