We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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