Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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