He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
