woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
