i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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