i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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