I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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