i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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