Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
