Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You need Xanax blowdarts
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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