Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
