he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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