i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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