when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
