Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
