Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
