i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
