....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
if only i could text you this smell
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
