i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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