Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
