If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
