Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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