how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
