You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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