Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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