I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
