hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
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He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
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He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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