i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
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If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
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She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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