i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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