farters have to be the big spoon...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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